It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Jail
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.