[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes