I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
HELP 😭
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”