Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
This is amazing.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.