This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door