I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night