Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.