So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Always a metermaid never a meter
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.