At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
You Might Also Like
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’