When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
do horses think humans are hats
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.