I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My circle of trust is a meatball
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.