[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I bet
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused