The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.