“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…