I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!