If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Spring cleaning checklist…
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.