Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Guilty! 🤪
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Risking my life for fun.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.