My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35