My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose