I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.