My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“you recording!?”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good