yall want some gasoline milk
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mentally somewhere in italy
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta