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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)