My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.