No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.