Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.