People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
do what now??
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians