I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts