#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.