Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?