Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Me when my alarm goes off
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
This is always good for a laugh.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.