I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*puts my mental health in rice
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”