[montage of me giving-up]
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My boss called in sick of me
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories