The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL