15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours