Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Hamburger Hinderer.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Damn what did I do next
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”