A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Taliband
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!