Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.