Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second