Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.