I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
You Might Also Like
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.