People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet