I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I think I’m having a stroke
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
welcome back
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.