Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
What the hell is going on?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
#Thanos #MondayMood