What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX