WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You Might Also Like
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Inside you there are two wolves
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend