I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
when mom throws a party…
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My teenage children choosing violence
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please