Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If you breakdance you buy dance.