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This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.