I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot